His body. His church. His bride.

I have been in church my whole life.  I have seen a spectrum of beliefs and denominations.  I have been in the "grandest" of churches, with the newest equipment and biggest numbers.  I have been in churches in other countries with dirt floors and no labels of denominations except loving Jesus.  I have been in a church in the bottom part of someone's home where people may face persecution for meeting together.   I am not here to talk about which church is best.  I am here to talk about church. Period.

I said all of the above to show you that I am somewhat of a "church expert."  Not only have I been in church, but my parents were and are heavily involved in theirs.  When I was on my own, I was on leadership with my campus ministry.  Now, my husband in a worship pastor.  I have never just sat on a pew.  And when you see what goes on beyond the pulpit, things can get messy.  Why?  Because church is full of people, and people are messy.

I am writing this for two reasons....the first is to ask for your forgiveness.   I am guilty of slandering the church....the same church that Jesus calls his bride.  I have pointed out flaws and been frustrated beyond belief many Sundays throughout my life because of something said or done.  I get sick of the politics and cliques.  I have crinkled my nose at all the opinions and gossip, without taking the plank out of my own eye.  I have whined about people not loving others when I could have just loved others myself.  I have worried about the way others worship instead of focusing on my own worship.  Please forgive me if I have said anything harsh to you about His church, His people.

The second reason I am writing this is to pour out what God has shown me about His church.  Sunday morning, I asked God to open my eyes to what He sees.  My brain was in chaos (as always after getting myself and my one year old ready and dropped off.)  I walked in, and here came the people and their smiling faces.  All I could think was "I can't pull this off today," so I gave a half-smile and went on.   I was actually annoyed at their joy because I wasn't feeling it.  I sat in my pew and we started worship.  I was halfway singing because I knew my heart was a little hard that morning.  But, then I heard something.  I heard a choir.  Not just a choir at the front, but from the whole church.  I heard worshipping.  Because my husband is on staff, I know a lot of members' stories.  Some of the voices I heard praising God have battled cancer or are battling it right now.  Some have lost children.  Some have been through divorces.  Bitterness.  Abuse.  Death of loved ones.  Drugs.  Children who don't speak to them or denounce God.  People barely scraping by.  New mothers.  Teenagers.  Families that had been ripped apart and put back together.

These are real people...singing at the top of their lungs, worshipping God.  Not because they were "supposed to," but because they have been through the fire and kept their faith.  They are standing on a cliff with no way to go but in the arms of Jesus. They know, without a doubt, that God is Faithful.  In that moment, I felt the love God had for His church.  I also felt the love the church had for God.  It is an intimate communion.  Needless to say, I was brought the my knees.  Lord, forgive me for not loving the church like you do.

I have been in Thailand where there was one Christian in the whole village.  One.  When I think of complaining about church, I will remember that woman.... a single light in a very dark place full of human trafficking and idol worship.  Thank you, Lord, for other believers.

We get a picture of what the early church looked like in Acts 2:42-47:

  "All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's supper), and to prayer.  A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders.   And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had.  They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need.  They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity--all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people.   And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved. "

I am blessed to go to Central Baptist Church, where the people truly portray this picture in Acts.  I see people who have plenty give to those who have less every week.  Both sides are filled with joy each time.  I see people opening their arms and homes to outsiders, and enjoying meals and fellowship with each other.  I see people get saved every week.  I am spoiled at my church.  I know it is rare to see a church operating like this.  But it doesn't stop at Central Baptist.  When I step into another church in Tyler, those who know Christ as their Savior are also my brothers and sisters.  When I meet a homeless woman on the streets who loves the Lord, she is my sister.  When I see a children's choir singing to Jesus, they are my little brothers and sisters. When I go across the world and sit with a group of Christians outside under a tree, they are my brothers and sisters.  I may not have anything else in common with them.  I may not even speak their language.  But I have an instant, deep connection with these people that cannot be broken.

Church is a beautiful, woven web of God's people, coming together to worship, teach, and learn with each other.  It is sharpening and encouraging.  It is hands of prayer warriors laying on you as you go through a trial.  It is rejoicing when others rejoice, and mourning when others mourn.  It is meeting each others' needs.  It is learning and growing.  God says we become His children when we call on Him, and in that, believers are family.  We all know families are full of mistakes and personalities that don't get along.   Our own families drive us nuts,  because we know everything good and bad about them.  But still, we are family.

I love my church in Tyler, and I love my brothers and sisters across the globe.  People say the church is full of hypocrites, and I say it is full of people.  People who know they screw up every day and need Jesus.  People who are doing their best to know God and make Him known to others.  If you are looking for perfection, you won't find it in anyone but Jesus.  He came to heal the sick and broken, and that is just what churches are full of: sick and broken believers.

The church is facing persecution and pointed fingers from the world and will face more every day.  I can't be on the pointing fingers side.  I must defend her.  I will not speak against a son or daughter of a King. From this point on, I choose to operate in love instead of judgement.  I choose to tame my tongue, which scriptures say is full of deadly poison (James 3:8.)   I choose to encourage and ask what I can give instead of what I can get. This is my church, and we are one body, here for the same purpose:  to love God and love others.

..."And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.  The second is equally important:  Love your neighbor as yourself.  No other commandment is greater than these."  Mark 12:30-31

Make it Count

There are so many choices when it comes to parenthood. Cloth diapers or disposable, breastfeed or formula, organic diet or not, homeschool, public or private school, curfew or not, when to date, what they can wear, what movies they can watch, and the list goes on and on.  On the above, I believe each parent should decide what is best for their children.  I was so hard on myself for months with Asher trying to be "perfect."  The job of a parent is overwhelming.  It's a task full of mistakes and learning experiences, but it is also the most important thing we will ever do.  We have a one year old, Asher, and a baby girl on the way.  We will raise these kids that will one day grow up and be in this world.   Carrying a burden too heavy to carry on my own, I finally went to prayer, asking God what He desires of me.  Asking for wisdom.  He has shown me what I believe to be truth based on His word and the Holy Spirit.  

I want to share mine and Peyton's heart for our family because we want to encourage others in their parenting and marriage. 

Why? Take a look at these scriptures:

"See how very much our Father loves us. For He calls us His children, and that is what we are."  

1 John 3:1 

"Let us be glad and rejoice and let us give honor to Him.  For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb, and His bride has prepared herself." Revelation 19:7-8

Over and over through the bible, God is shown as Father and Husband.  He tells us we are His children and His bride.  He reveals Himself through the family, and when the family is distorted, so is our view of God.  Satan knows this.  He is working to destroy the family unit, and if you look at this world and our nation, it's working.  Through lust, pornography, selfishness, work, time, idols, addictions, money, etc... our families our being ripped apart.   We are told to give up when things get rocky and to base our marriages on what we feel that day.  We hold our standards to what we see through media and wonder why families are broken.  Satan is tearing at the heart of what God set up to be joy.   How can we see God the Father as a true protector and provider if our earthly father has left us heartbroken? But this is where Peyton and I feel we must be different as a family.  Our decisions do not only affect us, they affect our children and grandchildren, their future spouses and friends.  What we leave with our children gets passed to generations.  

So what do we want to leave them?

First, our children will know our family is serving God.  Peyton and I have given our children to God, promising to teach them His word.  We want to show them how Jesus loves others.  Humility.  Compassion.  Selflessness.  Serving others the way Jesus did.  We want them to know how to love God in a world that mocks Him.   To love those who do wrong to them and forgive others.  We want our kids to give glory to God in their success and failures.  To trust in Him for everything.  To be set apart from this world.   We believe our children will face much more persecution than we have had to deal with, and we choose to arm them for battle, with scripture as a sword. They must see our example, starting now. If we want to raise warriors for Christ, we must first show them how by our lives.   We must shower them with prayer and scripture.  We must be different than others around us.  We must guard our eyes and ears from what we watch.  We must step out in faith when God calls us to, and trust in Him when troubles come our way.  We must run the race full speed and use our talents for His kingdom.  They will see our actions, not just our words.   

Secondly, our children will know that Peyton and I love each other.  Peyton and I have vowed to never even speak the word 'divorce' (even jokingly.)  We are far from perfect, and have had our share of arguments (especially in the stress of a crying newborn.)  However, we take care to guard our marriage.  So what does this have to do with how we raise our children?  I love my son and unborn children more than words can say on here.  It's a motherly love that goes so, so deep.  But I must love Peyton first.  My kids will grow up one day and leave, but Peyton and I will still have each other.  If our kids see stability and a selfless love in their parents' marriage, then we have taught them more than words can teach: How to love and be loved.  They will never fear that one day their mom or dad will leave.  We are a team, and we raise them as a team.  A happy marriage makes for a happy home for our children.  A selfless marriage shows them how Christ loves His church. 

Finally, our children will know we love them.  I will stop my chores for the day and take them outside to play.  We will play in the living room floor when we are exhausted.  We will go on adventures, even if we have to eat pb&j's for  a week.  Peyton and I will listen to them when they want to talk, and cuddle with them when they want to cuddle.  We will build forts, go bowling, order pizzas, and play hide and seek. We will play even when we don't think we have time.  They will see how God loves His children.  How He picks us up when we fall and dusts off our knees.  How He giggles at our ignorance and disciplines us when we need it.  How He loves us even at our worst.  

Once our children are out in the world, they will make their own decisions, and we will love them regardless.  But for this short time, God has entrusted them to us....and we will make it count. 

The Irony of the Cross

***The story I am about to tell includes real, biblical events, but the imagined thoughts are fictional.   They are what my thoughts would be if I were living through these times.  *****

Imagine being one of Christ's disciples.  You were fishing one day, when Jesus filled your nets full of fish and said, "follow me."  And you did.  You left your job, your home, everything.  You trusted Him for food and provision.  You risked being an outcast as you walked with this Man people called crazy.    You saw Him hang out with greedy tax collectors, prostitutes,  people of a "lesser race," the blind, lepers,  crippled, poor, orphaned, widowed, and outcasts.  In fact, these are the people who were most accepting of Him.  He says He did not come to heal the healthy, but the sick.  You saw Him perform miracle after miracle.   Turning water into wine.  Feeding thousands with two loaves of bread and a fish. Casting out demons.   Even raising the dead.  You follow this strange Man who goes against everything you know about humanity and religion because you see His love and mercy.  You believe with all of your heart that He is the Savior you have been waiting for.  God has promised a king to restore His kingdom to His people, and, to you, Jesus is Him.

Not everyone believes.  Jesus doesn't fit what many pictured their King to look like: born in a manger, a humble servant washing people's feet.  A man who did not get along with the top religious leaders.  A homeless king who walks with the most lowly people.

But you believe.

Fast forward.  As passover approaches, you watch Jesus ride into Jerusalem on a donkey, not realizing that prophecy was being fulfilled before your eyes (Zechariah 9:9).   There are crowds of people spreading their garments and palm branches before Him, praising Him as the Son of David.  You are probably thinking, "Finally, they get it!" You are feeling pretty good about your decision to give your life up for this Man.

But Jesus doesn't spend His week making friends or appealing to the masses.  He goes into a temple where they are selling animals for sacrifice.  He flips tables over, saying, "My temple will be called a house of prayer."  Even as He heals a blind man and says faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, Jesus is making enemies.  The very crowd that worshipped Him on his way into the city is now turning against Him.  His words make no sense to many.  He condemns religious leaders, saying their rules are not enough.

But even as these leaders try to trap Him into doing something wrong, you stay by His side.  You may be confused, but your faith has not wavered.  By this point, you don't just know about Jesus.  You know Him. He is your friend, your brother.  You will stay with Him through anything....or so you think.

You are sharing a meal with Jesus.  He says someone sitting in the room with you has betrayed Him.  His next words are hard to comprehend...that you are eating and drinking His body and blood.  That he will be poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many.  Then, he says everyone, including you, will desert Him this very night.  You think, "No way, I have spent my life serving You.  I will follow you anywhere!"

You go to the garden with Jesus to pray. He tells you His soul is crushed with grief.  You try to keep watch, but it's so late and you just had a full meal.   You don't understand His frustration when He comes back and finds you asleep.  What's the big deal?

Just then, you see Judas with a crowd of men armed with clubs and swords.  They have been sent by the leading priests.  You get scared.  No, you are terrified.  You know they intend to harm Jesus, and they may kill you just for being with Him.  This is more than just a friendship now....this is life or death.  You run.  As fast as you can.  As you hear about what happened next, your world crashes down around you.

Here is where I ask you to open up your bibles or 

search on google Matthew 27:11-54.  

To fully understand this story, you must read this.  (I don't want to cheapen the cross by leaving out any details here.)

Today is what we call Good Friday, but at the time, it seemed anything but good. Their Savior, whom they had given their lives to, had died.

But, we now know there is more to the story...

"For he was teaching his disciples, saying to them, “The Son of Man is going to be delivered into the hands of men, and they will kill him. And when he is killed, after three days he will rise.”  Mark 9:31

Story of Redemption: Part 3

I moved to Tyler, Texas in 2010.  Now, two and a half years later, I am married to the love of my life, with a one year old boy and another sweet baby on the way.  You might say this is where my fairy tale began....and it is.  But it's also where I faced the very unfair thing called "life" for the first time.

I signed a year-long contract as a weekday news reporter at a local t.v. station in June.  I lived out of a hotel for a week, then my parents helped me move into a small apartment.  I knew absolutely no one here.  For all of you who work in news, props to you.  It's one of  the most stressful and most fun things I have ever done.  My plan was to get experience reporting, then move on to a bigger station.   God has a sense of humor when we start making plans. 

In July, I was doing a story on a local wet-dry election.  I was still fairly new and desperate to get an interview.  After being turned down by at least a dozen store owners and residents at the area, I finally got a cute guy to talk.  His name was Peyton Neill.  Later that night, he says he saw my name on the story and found me on facebook, where he asked me out to ice cream.  Maybe I shouldn't have said yes to a total stranger, but remember, everyone was a stranger to me here.  We went to ice cream and fell in love.  I'm kidding, who falls in love on the first date?  But really, we fell in love not long after that.  It took me a little longer than him to dive 100% in because I was still hanging on to the past. I was definitely not healed from former relationships, and I still had a mindset that I would move back to Arkansas soon.  I finally gave in and by December, we were engaged.  

Why so soon, you ask? We already knew we were going to marry each other, and there was so much temptation, so we decided to jump in! Surprisingly, our parents were on board.  (By the way, if your parents are excited about you marrying someone, you know he is a keeper!)  In June, we got married. And I will say he is the absolute PERFECT man for me.  I could go on and on about how we fit one another, but this blog isn't really about us.  The point of all of this is, God knew all along.  He knows the person that will fit everything you've ever wanted.  You won't want them to 'change.'  God is faithful to his promises.  2 Timothy 2:13 says, "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who He is." 

That was so fun to write! 

Let's rewind a bit, though.  When I was in college, I was enveloped in a sea of people who loved the Lord.  I was getting Jesus every day of the week.  I thank God every day for that.  When I moved here,  that changed.  I hardly knew anyone, much less people who loved God.  I was in one of the most worldly careers out there, working 50+ hours a week.  I believe God prepares us for battle and then sends us out.  If we stay in our "holy huddles," how can we spread the kingdom?  My faith changed.  Not in a bad way, but it was different.  

Let me explain.  Have you ever been in love? I am talking butterflies in your stomach, can't wait to see someone, head over heels in love?  Our culture teaches us that this is love, and I still feel that with Peyton most of the time.  The problem is, we are also taught if we don't feel that all of the time, something isn't right.  

Now, have you ever loved?  The kind of love found in 1 Corinthians 13.  Love that is selfless and puts another person's needs before your own?  This is something I learned after I got married.  In order for marriage to work, you have to love even when you don't feel like it.  I was in love with Peyton, but now I love him.  Each day, I love him more.  Even when we don't have candlelit dinners and moonlight walks all the time, our trials, every day life, and the simple things deepen our relationship the most.  

It is the same in our relationship with God.  He even calls us "his bride." He was so alive to me when I was surrounded with his presence, but when it got harder to see, the excitement inside of me was replaced with a deeper, quieter love.  I was learning to have faith even when I didn't feel Him.  To love my enemies.  To trust that he was listening when my prayers didn't seem to go past the ceiling.  As Christians, there are times when his Spirit is so heavy you can hardly stand.  There are times that are dry, and you'll find yourself begging for Him to rain on you again.  Times when you feel like you are sinking and you question where He's gone.   Looking back, these are the times that built my faith the most.  Always hold on.  He is there, I promise.  

Working in news was one of the most exciting and hardest years of my life.   I did a lot of fun stories and met some great people, especially my co-workers! Don't think for a second I regret this year.  I learned that I could do anything I set my mind to and messing up is part of life (even if it's on live t.v.)  However, I was constantly choosing between stepping on someone's life for a good story and spreading the love of God.  I am ashamed to say I sometimes chose wrong.  I often found myself having to intrude on people's most personal moments for an interview.  Calling a mother about the tragic death of her son and being calloused to it because I was on a deadline.  Sometimes, I would do stories that would truly inform the public, which I felt helped others.  I would even promote good causes and give people business.  But those times where I had to simply spread gossip tore at my soul.  It was not anyone's fault, that's what news is.  That is not to blast anyone in news.  I met amazing people and some of my good friends there.  I have grown to see them succeed and am so proud of them for sticking with it.  I just felt my heart hardening, and after a year, decided to get out. 

In June 2011, Peyton and I got married and SURPRISE!  A month later, I was pregnant.  Trust me, this was an accident...but it's the best accident that ever happened! In October, I got bit by a dog in the face, leaving it swollen for about a month and a scar after that.  I am lucky that's all it left.  The mix between having a new lovely scar on my face and gaining pregnancy weight was a definite deflator on my self-image...especially since I was still a newlywed.  I didn't realize how much I valued outward beauty until mine changed.  My self-image became so distorted and I started listening to lies.  Not only had I quit the career I went to college for, but my body was changing, and in a few short months, I would be responsible for another person.   I started searching for who I was all over again. 

Asher Michael Neill was born on April 7th...exactly a month earlier than his due date.  Whew! Life is just full of surprises, huh?  I started staying home with him, which was such a blessing.  Since he was premature, I had to wake him up every three hours to feed him.  It was absolutely exhausting.  I know parents everywhere can relate...nothing can prepare you for how hard a baby is.  Asher was such a perfect baby for about two weeks, then he cried...a lot.  For months, it took hours of rocking him before he would fall asleep.  I loved him and was so thankful for the blessing, but needless to say, I didn't feel like myself anymore.  I was in a daze.  My prayers became very simple: "Please, God, help me get through this day."  And he did...day after day, night after night. I wish I could take every new mom and hug their neck because it's just plain hard.  I knew life would never be the same.    

While having a precious child, I questioned everything.  My abilities as a mom, my purpose in life, the way I looked.  My friends were still living their lives, while I felt I had been sentenced to isolation in my home.  Then, I would feel guilty for having these feelings because my child was so beautiful.   I had been blessed so much. My world was flipped upside down, and it took months to get a grip again.  
Through this time, God was taking care of me, I was just so blind I couldn't see it.  Our finances had been taken care of over and over again and Peyton had gotten a job as a worship pastor.  

By January, Asher had become a very sweet and easy baby.  He is such a joy in my life! I can't explain to you how much I love his giggles and hugs.  I was starting to feel normal again, but hadn't felt the "joy" I once had in a very long time.  A year and a half of chaos and blessings also was a year and a half of dryness for me.  I still believed in God, but I was dying of thirst for Him.   I felt I couldn't utter one more prayer of begging for him to be near.  I felt I had lost my identity.  I kept trying to do ministry and try new things, but everything was a dead end.  Peyton was so encouraging through this time, but he noticed a difference in me.  I was barely hanging on spiritually.  

I have ran from God before and put myself in a dark place.  But this time, the darkness came when I was faithful.  I didn't change my love for Him, so why did He leave me?  It was not a fun part of my life.  Not in the least bit.  But I will not let it go to waste.  I will be open about it because many of you may experience a period like this...and I am here to tell you, He never left me. 

After all this time, God finally spoke to me in such a still, quiet voice.  Just a couple of months ago, Peyton and I went on a date.  Our waiter was so full of joy, you could just see the light overflowing from his heart. We knew he was a believer without him saying it.  He loved the Lord, and he loved people.  That's when I felt God tell me, "it's your time to feel joy again."  And, thankfully, He is faithful to his promises. 

A few days later, we found out we were pregnant again.  I have never been more excited about anything.  As we were praying about finances, we got a call from our doctor's office.  The lady said I was supposed to get a refund back in August from when I was pregnant with Asher, but we had been overlooked.  The refund is going to cover all of my prenatal care. Praise the Lord! It is crazy to think that even in August, as I am sulking and questioning everything, God was setting things up.  He knows the big picture. 

I don't know how to explain what happened over these past few weeks.  I was just...full of joy again.  It was nothing I did...just simply a long-awaited answered prayer.  I started seeing myself through God's eyes again, the talents I had been given, my purpose in life.  The ministry I had tried to do earlier started bearing fruit.  He showed me that I was valuable and beautiful.  My circumstances have not changed, but He has changed me.   He promises us a new life and a new identity, now I am fully walking in it.  I am finally free from everything in my past.  How do I know?  I am finally sharing it with you. When Christ frees us, the past doesn't hold us back, but instead it points to His grace.   

So here, I am writing this, hoping that these words show you how great our God is.  


"I've told you this so that my peace will be with you.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

Story of Redemption: Part 2

This is were is where I had to break out my journals.  It was both joyous and painful to read through the pages where my college years were spilled.  They were so full of heartbreak, mistakes, forgiveness, and growth in the Lord.  I have been putting off writing this because I am not sure where to begin and what to include.  God, speak through me as I type these words.  

I have five journals that I kept through college.  One for each year, and one specifically for my mission trips.  If there is a consistent battle I faced (and I suspect most college students face), it was relationships.  Of course, I constantly questioned my calling and what I would do after college, but most of my confusion was brought by being CONSUMED with my future mate.  So much so that every guy I dated, I thought they were 'the one.'  I invested into relationships almost like they were marriage.  I will spare any details of these relationships to keep the privacy of others, but it is important that you know this:  my serious relationships were God-centered and with men who loved the Lord.   Every time, I thought it was the right thing...and every time, it ended it pain. I am not sure what the right answer is regarding dating, but my husband, Peyton, and I have come up with a few words of wisdom learned the hard way:

We both wish we would have not so much as held another person's hand before each other.  If we have any advice for those looking for a mate, it is to be in DEEP prayer about anyone you date, and don't get physically involved (even in small ways)...because quite frankly, it's just hard to stop.  Once you kiss, it is an uphill battle, no matter how much you desire to please God.  He created us with these desires for our spouse in marriage.  And it is so beautiful in marriage!  But you will remember the other people you let in.  The places you went with them, the kisses, the dates.  God still chose to bless us with a wonderful marriage....but as much as Peyton and I love each other, those memories with others don't go away.  The wounds can be healed, but not easily...and they will leave a scar.  Please, be patient and on guard!  He truly does have a person that FITS you perfectly! Final advice: enjoy your time of singleness....once it's gone, it's gone.  We love our family, but neither of us have that alone time with the Lord like we did before.  

There.  Now that I have gotten through the messy part, I get to tell about the fun stuff! The funny thing is, even when we are a total mess, God works in us if we let him.  I can honestly say that through all of my relationship chaos, He still did amazing things in my heart...things I didn't know where possible.  

The first week of college, I was invited to several parties, mixers, church groups, etc...  It was a whirlwind.  In high school, it was easy to sit on the fence about what I valued in this world.  When I was on my own, however,  there was a more clearly defined 'fork in the road' where I decided which path I would take.  

When you are saved, God gives you the Holy Spirit.  ("When you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit... " Ephesians 1:13)  One thing the Holy Spirit does is bring conviction (or a little stirring inside of you) when something isn't quite right or will lead you to destruction.  Thankfully, I listened.  When there was a fork in my path, I ended up involved in an inter-denominational ministry called Chi Alpha. 

For the first time in my life, I saw people raise their hands and the whole room sing at the top of their lungs praising Jesus.  I saw brothers and sisters in Christ truly share unity.  I trusted girls my age to pray with me and build me up rather than tear me down and gossip.  I was challenged to know a part of God that I never knew....the unpredictable God of the universe who doesn't fit in my little box.  As Christ was healing wounds from my past, I started dreaming dreams and trusting that he could use a sinner like me. 

2 Corinthians 5:14 says, "Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died."  

My freshman year, I finally died to myself and handed my whole life to Jesus.  I still messed up (and still do every day), but constantly desired to please Him.  When scripture says "Christ's love compels us," that's exactly what happened to me.  HIS LOVE COMPELLED ME to do things I never would have done before.  I prayed over others.  I started a bible study with girls in my dorm.  I got in scripture every day, not out of obligation, but out of thirst for his love.  Even in my human grossness, God lit a fire so big in me that I felt unstoppable when it came to knowing Him and helping others know Him.  I truly felt I could change the world through Him and still do to this day. 

Throughout my college years, I grew to know God and love Him more and more.  He gave me ministry and fruit from it.  I started feeding the homeless on the weekends with some friends and went on mission trips to Thailand in the summers.  It is here where God bursted my little bubble and showed me his heart for the poor and oppressed.  When He took me outside of my comfort zone, my heart started breaking for the world for the first time.  He taught me to love people.

I am not saying any of this to boast about myself.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing. If you look through the New Testament, Christ didn't use people who thought they were "good church people."  He changed the world through people who were sinners and knew it.  I want everyone who reads this to understand that when you FULLY give your life to God...when you surrender every decision and every aspect of your world to Him, he will use YOU even at your weakest.  You will have a confidence through Him that you've never had before.  You will do unimaginable things.   When you fall in love with Christ, the things that used to matter and worry you, simply don't anymore.   He brings a new creation out of us for his glory.  I know because scripture promises this, and I have lived it. 

When I was close to graduating college, I was still messing up and needing forgiveness daily, but I truly was in a deep-rooted relationship with God.  I had no plans for the future even as graduation passed.  I remember having a peace, though, knowing that I would be taken care of.  One week before I had to move out of the house I was living in and quit my job, I got a call from Tyler, Texas.  Two days later, I packed my bags and left for a place I had never been.  

This is the place where I met my husband and started our family. 

Story of Redemption: Part 1

I can confidently share my heart with you all because I feel completely healed from my past. Through everything I am about to say, remember that Jesus frees us completely if we ask, and we don't have to be the same. But to show you how wonderful my Savior is, I must first be honest about how imperfect I am.

I was born in Batesville, Arkansas, a small town of about 10,000 people.  I had a great childhood.  I did gymnastics and cheerleading, and I had plenty of friends.  My parents made me go to church every time the doors were opened.  Sometimes, it was boring, but I never questioned it because that's just what our family did.  I never had an option.  I lived in a bubble of happiness that my parents created for me, and I am so thankful.  I truly never knew anything bad happened in the world.  

Some people have a grand moment of when they became a Christian.  They can tell you the date, time, and how they felt after they accepted Christ as their Savior.  I did have a day where I walked down the aisle and told our pastor that I wanted to be saved. However, I really believe it was a gradual process for me.  For as long as I can remember, I believed in Christ and prayed consistently.  He was even in my dreams. As a very young girl, I knew Jesus, and I thought everyone else did, too.

My mom always told me when I was a kid, I had a sparkle in my eyes and a zeal for life and adventure. When Christ tells us to have faith like little children, I know exactly what he meant.   I dreamed big and never worried about anything.  I knew anything was possible through Him.

As I grew into my teen years, however, the flame grew dull.  Like most teens, I started worrying about what others thought and "dating" much too young.  Heartbreak and the need for acceptance cast a shadow on my perfect world.  I never questioned God or my faith as a teen, but it was not as important to me as other people were.  I was a social butterfly living for boys and Friday nights.  

Throughout high school, I stood on the fence with my Christianity.  I never understood why my parents had more rules than other parents.  I knew not to 'cross the line' when it came to sex, alcohol, etc...., but I sure got close to it.  My faith was more of a "how far can I go and still be a Christian?" faith.  A lukewarm faith.  I sang in the praise band in youth group, but never understood that I was leaving behind an example.   Don't get me wrong, I loved my teen years, but I was a shallow reflection of everyone around me.   The more I strayed from my Creator, the more gray everything became.  The lines grew blurry, and I was losing my identity.  

I know this is a common story with teenagers, but even as I write this, my heart is breaking.  Maybe I wasn't "that bad."  Comparison doesn't matter, though, because the truth is...I knew better.  I knew God.  I had no reason to sink into the world but still chose to.  

When I go back home,  I remember that girl who played with hearts and wanted so badly to be desired.  I wish more than anything I would have stood for something instead of following the crowd.  That I would not have dated multiple boys, giving myself away little by little.  I wish I'd spent more time sharpening others instead of putting them down.  Everything in my life was dictated by my peers, and by the time I left for college, I was in a fog.  What were my beliefs? Who is God to me? Who am I created to be?  

God had not left me, though.  There was a tiny spark inside of me that still felt his conviction and love.  I just needed something to light it again.

Here is where my story of redemption begins.  

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8

Seasons of Darkness

Sometimes we walk through dry, dark seasons, even as believers.  Sometimes these periods come when we are most faithful.  Let's look at Job.

Job was a faithful servant of God.  Verse 7 says that Satan came before the Lord, telling the Lord he had been "patrolling the earth, watching everything that is going on."  If this doesn't send you chills, I don't know what will.  Satan is watching us and is on the lookout for God's most faithful servants.  John 10:10 says Satan comes to "steal, kill, and destroy."  In Job, we see Satan wants to destroy the most faithful, proving their love for God is conditional.

Satan told God that Job had good reason to fear God, because he was so blessed and prosperous.  Satan says in verse 11, " reach out and take away everything he (Job) has, and he will surely curse you to your face."  Here is where the Lord says in verse 12, "You may test him."  We must note here that God gave permission for Satan to attack Job.  Proof that God is still sovereign and still reigns over Satan.

If you read on, Job (unaware of the conversation between the Lord and Satan) suddenly loses his animals, shepherds, servants, and children.  He fell to the ground in grief and in verse 21 says,

"Naked I come from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The Lord giveth and taketh away.   Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

As if that wasn't eough, in Chapter 2, the Lord ALLOWS Satan to take away Job's health.  Job had boils from head to toe, yet he says in verse 10, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?" 

Of course we know these bad things came from Satan.

In the following chapters, Job's friends decide to help Job figure out what's going on.  They say he is cursed, he must have done something wrong.  Do we ever do that in our minds?  We see terrible things happening to a family or a person and we blame them, saying that they must not be right with God? Who are we to judge? Let's leave the judging to our Father, who knows all things.

As Job's friends are casting opinions and Job even starts to feel sorry for himself, saying he has done everything right, the Lord chimes in!  Job 38-41 are solid chapters of the Lord's response.  If you are ever down about your situation or season, please read this part of Job.  Here is a portion (verses 4-11):

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?  Tell me, if you know so much.  Who determined its dimensions and stretched out the surveying line?  What supports its foundations and who laid its cornerstone, as the morning stars sang together and the angels shouted for joy?  Who kept the sea inside its boundaries as it burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and wrapped it in thick darkness?  For I locked it behind barred gates, limiting its shores.  I said, 'This far and no farther will you come.  Here your proud waves must stop!' "

WHEW!

That little portion already blows my mind.  Who am I to question God?  If he wants to take everything away from me, WHO AM I TO QUESTION HIM?

If you are going through a dry, dark season...if you have been faithful, and continue to seek God, yet cannot seem to hear his voice....if everything you touch seems to turn to dust and you feel forgotten.... remember that He is God. He knows all things.  His name is to be praised, anyway.  He will lift you up out of the pit if you remain faithful.  Cling to what is true, hold fast to scriptures, and keep praising Him.

If you need encouragement, read Job's outcome in the chapter 42.  He was blessed twice as much as before, and lived a long, full life.  Did this take away his pain from his former losses?  Probably not, but he did see Joy again.  You will, too.  Hold fast, child.

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.  Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."  James 1:12